Jinx- 18

When I was 15 I was together with a boy (17-18) who in the first couple months of our relationship was very sweet and loving. One day I was making dinner for us and he came up behind me asking for a quickie, I said no bc I was cooking and wasn’t really in the mood. He continued to ask me and touch me and I said no multiple times and pushed him away with my body. He then got really “sad” and kept saying “don’t you love me? Do you hate me? I promise it’ll be quick, please” and after I had said no over 10 times I gave in bc I just wanted it to be over cause I was getting annoyed. Usually even for quickies we did a lot of forplay but not this time,, he pulled my pants down, pushed me against the counter and well, did it. I was silently crying the whole time and for weeks after that I was never actually in the mood but he was and I just let him do it cause I didn’t wanna upset him and after every single time, I went into the bathroom and cried bc I felt disgusting. No one had told me that your partner CAN rape you and that even if you give in after saying no multiple times it still counts as rape. I didn’t realize until months after we broke up when I saw a video of someone talking about consent. That’s when it hit me that I had been raped for weeks almost daily and I completely broke down.

It made me feel disgusting. I was disgusted by myself for letting that happen when I could’ve done more to stop it. It’s been almost 3 years since this happened and I still don’t trust cis men. I still from time to time feel his hands on me, I still can’t lean against counters without getting flashbacks. But I do want to mention that it does “get better” you’ll never truly get over it but it gets easier to handle the flashbacks, but it truly never leaves you, it scars you for life. But please, if anything like this has happened to you, reach out, to anyone. Friends, teachers, counselors, therapists, parents, family, anyone. Having a support system and people that’ll help you through it makes it easier. It will get better, even if it the stains never truly washes away, it will get easier. Don’t be afraid to use your voice, don’t be afraid to say no, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be afraid to reach out. You’re not alone. You never will be. If you need someone to talk to, you can reach out to me, here’s my instagram: @xx_t0x1c.jinx_xx

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