Anonymous- 19

Less than a year ago I was raped by my boyfriend of over a year. I loved him with all of my heart. We waited to have sex until we were together for a year because he wanted to. He was a virgin and I liked that he wanted to wait because he respected me. Through the year of us being together everything was perfect. We didn’t have any problems at all. And then it changed. I had found out I was pregnant. He finished without telling me and told me after I had positive test. I decided to have an abortion which was a really hard decision for me. I had to go through it all alone because he wasn’t there for me at all. The abortion didn’t work for me and I ended up in the ER and had to have surgery. I went through it all alone while he was on vacation and hanging out with girls. Not even a month later, he drank a ton. He spent the night and I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He tried a few times and i kept saying no. Then he grabbed me and i tried to push away and he pinned me down. I went into complete shock. I was so still while everything was happening. I swear I didn’t even breath during it. Once everything was done I turned to my side and silently cried myself to sleep. He didn’t bring it up for two weeks until i broke down about it. he knew exactly what it was about. he told me he didn’t remember anything but me saying no. i was terrified that i was pregnant again. i told my mom and she told me that it wasn’t a reason to break up with him. so i didn’t. i spent the whole summer completely depressed and trying to pretend it didn’t happen. i ended things with him and he’s acted like he never even met me. I know that I could ruin his life if I were to tell people, but I believe in karma. Ever since I have struggled with trusting guys and I feel like I’m too damaged. But I remind myself that this was not my fault and it was not something I had control of.

I have grown so much from the situation and I love the person I have become. I’m very proud of myself for my growth. I get sad every now and then about it because I feel so sad for the girl I was a year ago because she didn’t deserve it. She had no idea all of that would happen to her. And of course I wish that would’ve never happened, but I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. I’m still struggling with it even now and I think I will forever, but to anyone going through something similar end things with that person. Being with them does nothing but hurt you more. They will continue to hurt you because they think they have control over you. Sexual assault is not normal. It’s not something that happens to every woman and it’s not something that happens in every relationship. Do things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to heal yourself. You will be strong and independent. You will get through it.

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