When I was 16 years old, I was dmed on Instagram and added on Snapchat by this older guy who was 22 and serving in the military. The US Marine Corps to be exact. I was flattered by this and him being older honestly made me feel good about myself. At the time, I just wanted to feel pretty and be seen as “older” and was so insecure in myself. Just like many other girls that age. So because of this, him reaching out (at first) excited me. We flirted, FaceTimed, snap chatted, texted.. for months. From the very beginning he knew how old I was and asked to “hangout” a lot anyways. I wasn’t the type of girl to hangout with someone off the bat like that so I kept saying “maybe one day.” He continued asking. I wanted to get to know him first. After all the months we spent talking online, I finally thought I had. He seemed sweet, he seemed to care about women, he told me everything I wanted to hear. He was respectful online and seemed like a genuine person. I respected him from the very beginning alone just because he was a service member. I thought highly of him. Until it all changed. I told him he could pick me up across the street from my highschool. We planned on me skipping class and “hanging out” at a so called friends apartment near by. Everything seemed okay and right until his car pulled up outside the grocery store. I saw it was his car, but his windows were so tinted. I couldn’t see in. I knocked on the passenger window and he rolled the window down. It was him. What a relief. My mom had always warned me about talking to people online and I wanted to believe she was wrong. That he wouldn’t do that. That people weren’t really so cruel. I got in. I made a comment to him about his tint saying, “Oh my gosh. Your tint is so dark I couldn’t even see in. I didn’t know if it was you or not.” Right then, that’s when it switched. That’s when it changed. He immediately replied, “Yeah, I know. It comes in handy a lot.”, started driving, and locked the doors. At that very moment my stomach dropped and I felt sick. Something felt wrong. I was scared. I no longer felt comfortable with him.. But now he was driving. I said nothing. He grabbed my thigh and said, “So where is the nearest park?” I was confused. I thought we were hanging out at his friends apartment. I replied, “I thought we were going to your friends place..” - (That was the plan in the first place after all.) This made him upset. He answered angrily, “You really think _____ is going to want me bringing a random b**** inside? I asked where a park is. Plans change. I want to f*** you.” In that moment, fight or flight kicked in. I was young, scared, and intimidated. I had never been in this situation before and I was scared of making him angry. I didn’t even hook up with past boyfriends. That wasn’t me. He knew this. He asked again, “Where is the nearest park?” I was scared and told him. I decided to give in to him in hopes he wouldn’t hurt me. Instead of fighting and speaking up, I froze. We arrived at the park and he angled his car away from bathroom cameras. He reached for my pants and told me to unbutton them. I told him I was on my period (This was a lie, I wasn’t.) and that I wasn’t looking to hook up with him. I reminded him again, that that wasn’t something I did. This made him angry. That’s when things escalated and he became more upset. He reached behind his seat and pulled out a pocket knife. He held it up and told me things would go better for me if I “respected him and listened to his desires.” I froze. I couldn’t move. He could tell I was scared and fed off that. He unbuttoned my pants and threw them onto his dirty, dirt covered passenger floor board. He told me to give him oral sex. So I did. I was scared. I told him I didn’t want to and he replied, “I don’t care b****, I do. Shut up and suck it.” After this, he grabbed me and placed me on his lap, facing away from him. He r@ped and took my anal virginity. After that, he told me to suck him again after he finished inside me. I was in pain. That was the first time I had ever done such a thing and it hurt. He was AGRESSIVE. He wasn’t the same sweet person I thought I knew online. He was a monster. He degraded me and made me feel like the dirt on his floorboard. He hurt me.. and he loved it. After it was over, (so I thought) I told him I needed to go back to class. He said he was hungry and started driving. I grabbed my pants and noticed they were filthy, completely covered in dirt. I begged him to let me take a second to put them back on. He ignored me and kept driving with me unclothed. He drove to a near by McDonald’s and by the time he pulled up to the window to pay, I had JUST gotten my pants on. That’s when I noticed my button was broken off. I was mortified. I had to not only go back to class with dirt all over my white jeans, but now also a broken off button. (That shows how aggressive he was.) He got his food and parked. He started eating. He didn’t ask me if I wanted anything. Just ate. While he was eating, he told me to give him head one more time before I left. I did. I listened. I was scared. During this, he degraded me the entire time. Called me names I had never even heard before. Made me feel even more disgusting then I already did. I wanted to puke and almost did. Finally, he took me back to school. While driving, we didn’t say a word to eachother. He pulled into my school and parked. I got out. Finally. As I did this, I said to him, “You hurt me. You really did. And now my pants are dirty and I have to walk around school like this. I’m in pain and embarrassed.” He did nothing but look at me and laugh. He replied, “Good. Now people will know what a dirty w**** you are. Now do a spin. Dirt looks great on you. W****.” This obviously upset me and I walked away. My last words to him were, “You should be sorry.” I walked into class and went straight to the bathroom. I cried. And cried. And cried. I ended up telling my mom later that day and we went to the hospital to have a r@pe kit done. They took my story and nothing was done because I was scared to go to court. I was slut shamed by the detective (who took his side) and told that “It was my story against his” and asked me, “Do you really want to ruin this poor young man’s career over this? People hook up all the time.” Because of this, I was scared and never went. Meaning he walks free. His higher ups in the military told my mother and I that this “Wasn’t his first time and he’s definitely a predator but unless someone takes it to court, nothing can be done. So we highly encourage you to.) But I didn’t. So nothing was done. It haunts me every day. He’s out of the service now and living only 15 mins away from my town. I can only pray that I don’t see him again. Thanks for listening to my story. I hope anyone who relates finds justice, peace and comfort. Much love to all.
I felt dirty, disgusting, and like a piece of dirt. I felt numb and like a piece of trash. I’m sorry that so many people can relate and I pray for healing to all survivors. ❤️ YOU. MATTER. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE HEARD.