I grew up seeing my grandmother having a couple husbands throughout the years, until one that she stayed the longest. I met him when I was 7 years old. She asked me multiple times to start calling him grandpa, but my dad never let me, knowing very well that he could be gone anytime soon just like the others. Although, I never called him grandpa he already had that space of one for me. Years passed by, and when I turned 18 and still was the virgin of the group, I was waiting for someone special, but went to a party and this guy that everybody knew was under influence, on drugs, he pushed to a valley where nobody could see or here us, and pulled his pants down, I remember asking him to stop, tried to scape but he was stronger than me, it probably didn’t last long because nobody had missed me yet felt like eternity. I spent 2 years without telling anyone or even getting closer to have sexual relations with anybody again, I forgave him but couldn’t forget, I just wanted to feel special. So then I started college and went to live at my grandmas house my freshman year. That’s when things didn’t feel right, my well seen step grandpa saw me becoming a woman, now closer to him, sharing the same roof. He was very careful with me, always worried about me, way too worried. He would show up at my campus randomly and bring me food. But, I was already traumatized and didn’t feel comfortable with this whole protection something was giving me the same energy same eyes of the guy that harassed me. Things started to feel actually weirder when he started offering to give me a massage, and come to my room to give me a massage, telling me to lay down in my bed. My grandma never cared, for her that was him being helpful and a good grandfather since I was struggling with back pain so much. Moving forward, going to my second year living with them, I was more comfortable with his daily presence. And he started to text me to meet up with him before I get home where nobody could find us because he wanted to “ smoke” with me. He was getting more touchy every time we encountered and I was getting so confused, didn’t know what to say, what to do, was wondering if everything was just my crazy mind because of what has happened to me. When he actually did try it. And I couldn’t help and panicked, cried, felt like my throat was blocked. Even though, I felt all that I asked for help immediately, i called my dad told him what he tried to do with me. I never felt so disgusted. I told my grandmother afterwards, needed some time first to understand what had just happened and cry myself alone. She didn’t believe me, for her I was lying and creating this scenario for attention, he would never do anything like that specially when we saw me growing up, he has daughters, she knows him very well - she said. I guess at the end of the day we don’t know anybody very well. My relationship with my grandma was broken. I felt unseen, unheard, disrespected, a ghost, neglected, invalidated…Someone that was seen as part of my family tried to touch me sexually, someone that met me first as a kid, a little girl.
Sometimes sharing moments that made you feel in your lowest it has the power of remembering be your fault. Their actions are a representation of who they are, not you. We are all here to protect each other, whatever happened just made you stronger, it was just one obstacle that you were able to pass and keep moving. Take care of your mental health, surround yourself with people that give you the reassurance that they care about you, they love you with no conditions, and that they will be there for you no matter what. Most importantly go to therapy, having a professional to help you go through your feelings, emotions with a better understanding and creating a new perspective of your situation, being able to overcome after all it is so effective and necessary.
