My junior year of highschool I was dating a boy and we had been together for over a year at this point. We had taken things really really slow it took almost a year for us to even kiss for the first time since we were both each others first partners. One morning we were at school and we along with a friend decided to skip class that morning so we hid in one of the av rooms that never got used. After awhile of hanging out in there our friend decided to take a nap so we were cuddling on the other side of the room. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to take a nap too and after awhile of having my eyes closed trying to sleep he whispered in my ear that he was horny and started to assault me. I didn’t know what to do since he was my boyfriend and I’d never had anything like that happen so I just froze and I remember thinking that if I could fall asleep it would be like it didn’t happen. Eventually someone opened the door to the room we were in and he pulled his pants up and ran as quickly as he could. And I just laid there in shock. After that my brain just kind of shoved that memory to the very back and I didn’t think about it until around 6 months later and at that point we’d broken up and I was crying about the assault at least once every day for multiple months. I felt so ashamed for not saying no or doing anything to make him stop and I felt so betrayed and disgusted with him and myself. I haven’t dated anyone since it just scares me too much and I’ve also had cases where I get close to a guy and start to have a flashback/ panic attack thinking I’m back in that room with him. It’s really rough dealing with the fact that someone you love and trust can just break you at any moment.
It made me feel disgusting and like I couldn’t be clean no matter what I did. It also made me feel like a coward for not being able to do or say anything. I would say that it’s not your fault and that not everyone will break your trust like that. It’s okay to be careful about the people you’re close or intimate with but remember that not everyone is evil or out to hurt you and you’ll be okay things just take time and to please reach out to someone cause it can feel so isolating and painful trying to heal on your own. And people will support you don’t be afraid to tell someone cause you think they’ll blame you or whatever. The people closest to you who love you will understand and support you.
