i have had a long history of sexual abuse, starting when i was 11 years old. the first time i was raped was by a friend. she was a year older than me and she told me it was normal and it would be fun. i was at a boarding school so we did everything together; shared a room, shared our food, had the same friend group. i always looked up to her because she was more "experienced" in life. she would always tell us about the things she used to do outside of school, which now looking back on it was just a bunch of lies. one evening, i'd had a dance class and needed to shower. as always, i would let her know in case the matron was looking for me. i went to shower, and the next thing i know, i heard giggling. i turned around just as the shower door was unlocked from the outside and opened by my "friend". i felt scared in that moment. i felt cold and numb, i just froze as i watched her face contort into something i am now so familiar with. she turned me around to face the wall as she said to one of the other girls to pass her some things. she used all sorts on me; started with a toothbrush, then a hairbrush, then a shampoo bottle. i remember the agony. i remember how hot the tears were running down my face. i remember the blood running down my legs. when she decided she was finished, she told me to keep my mouth shut or else she would do 10 times worse to my sister. i hadn't been able to talk about this until i was 22, but even now, i still feel terrified that she will find me.
i felt lost, alone, scared, and worthless. if anyone who has been through something like this, please please please speak to someone. don't keep it bottled up for 10 years like i did, it eats away at you and causes so much damage to your mental state. there are so many helplines that can help you regardless of your age.
