i was around the age 7 when it started. he’s my cousin. it lasted for 3-4 years, i didn’t know what was going on, & i didn’t remember it most of the time. it was only happening in the summer, when i was visiting my father. my cousin was always wanting me to watch him play video games & nap with him. i didn’t think anything of it because i figured my dad trusted his own family enough. i was wrong, i should’ve been more alert. i was trying to sleep when it first happened. once it was over, i’d just go to his sisters room and sleep. i tried to stay clear of him, but his guardian always wanted us to hangout with each other, & i was afraid of her. his guardian was my paternal grandmother. she was manipulative & narcissistic. abusive towards all of us. it always happened that way, i was laying down trying to ignore him, but he just wanted to play “family”. i finally realized what was happening, & eventually i told my step mom. it was an awful 4 years, i was holding all of this in at such a young age, & thought i’d be disowned. it was my dads side of the family, none of them believed me. the guardian who was in charge of my cousin called me a liar and defended him. i know it wasn’t my fault, i’m still healing, but i have a lot of trauma from it. it’s hard to try and have any type of relationship with a male. i lost most of my family, my father, my brothers. but, i have my mom, she has been by my side through all of this, & she saved my life.
It made me feel dirty and i knew i was never going to be innocent again, but at the same time, i survived this experience. i survived & found people who would support me & love me. i would tell someone that it wasn’t their fault, it will never be your fault. eventually, you’ll be okay, and your feelings are completely valid. there’s always someone in your life who understands. and knowing that there is someone in your life who understands, it brings a sort of comfort. & i feel for anyone who has had this experience, it wasn’t your fault. i understand. & i love you.
